She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
