Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
