My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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