the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
