i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
