I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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