I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
