i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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