After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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