I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
