wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
