i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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