I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
