I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
