I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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