I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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