some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
