i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
