Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
