the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
