So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
