the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
