You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
