Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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