his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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