Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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