After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm passing your future prison.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
