The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
