my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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