I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
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Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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