My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
