I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
