you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
