I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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