dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
