i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
