Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
