4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
