Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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