Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
pray to the hookup gods
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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