Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
