The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
