And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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