ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
