Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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