My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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