k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
