My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
