u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
