When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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