Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
