Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
