my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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