I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Found the puke drawer
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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