Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
