Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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