I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
