you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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